December, 2011
Dear Seattle Singles,
Baby, it’s getting cold (and rainy) outside and with the holidays coming up, there will be mistletoe moments aplenty. So, do your love life a favor and be prepared! Whether you’re single and ready to mingle, or already have a honey making your insides jingle, these holi-date etiquette tips are for you.
Holi-Dating Etiquette #1: The Annual Office Holiday Party
So many questions arise when talking about this topic: Do I bring a date? Who should it be? What will the implications be? Rather than trying to answer these questions on your own, do a little research first. Ask a seasoned co-worker what the vibe of the party was the past couple of years. If it’s more of an “all-business/schmoozing with the higher-ups” kind of party, you might not want to bring a new flame since all your focus will likely be trying to impress your boss, instead of your date. But then again, if you’re someone who thrives on your unparalleled ability to charm your superiors, it might be the ideal time for you to flaunt your confidence (which is sexy—I can’t say it enough!) to a recent love interest.
It may sound a bit backwards, but the more casual-feeling party (you know, the one that usually ends in a raucous dance party or Queen karaoke sing-off) can actually be an opportune time to take things to the next level with someone. It’s a great time to show them how comfortable you are around them, and let loose a bit. As busy professionals in a 9-5 (or often longer) work world, it’s attractive when you can show someone your less serious side. Just be sure not to take it too far and attempt a Kevin Bacon on the dance floor or a Whitney Houston on the mic…
Holi-Dating Etiquette #2: Should You Put All Your Egg Nog in One Goblet?
For those of you unattached or just beginning to see someone, a big question no doubt looms for you this month: do you take your chances on one person and risk having a silent night by the fire, or should you keep your options open and go caroling door-to-door? I’ll admit, as an IJL First-Date Specialist, this question is somewhat difficult for me to objectively answer; we are all about maximizing the opportunity to find that “right” one. In other words, unless you have had “the talk” about being exclusive with the guy/gal you’re seeing, I’m an advocate of being open to meeting someone else who may happen to come along. I mean, December ‘tis the season of giving, so why not give yourself the best chance possible to find someone special by leaving your options open?
Jake, a restaurant owner and friend of mine, regrettably dove head-first into a holiday-time “relationship” without considering the potential consequences. He had been “hanging out” with his co-worker Mandy for a couple of months, but the two had never discussed the nature of their relationship (or whether it even was one). Mandy loved Jake’s sense of humor and his confident ability to charm the pants off of (or 25% tips out of) everyone. Bottom line, she always had a blast when she was with Jake. But, when he took her to his cousin’s holiday party where everyone knew Mandy’s name, background and plans for New Year’s Eve, she became a little uncomfortable. Unfortunately for Jake, this incident was the beginning of the end for him & Mandy. She spent Christmas Eve going out with her girlfriends and Jake spent it shutting down the restaurant and watching Home Alone. Alone.
Here’s my point—don’t feel the need to rush into things just because the holidays are coming. Follow your heart, but don’t let all reason melt away just because you may be in a sentimental mood.
Holi-Dating Etiquette #3: Gift Giving Without Giving a Wrong Signal
We’ve all known someone (or are that someone) who’s received a gift from a significant other that has…well, confused us. Guys, as much as I hate to admit this, more often than not it is women who put more stake into a gift than men do. Remember that scene in Father of the Bride where Annie, the bride-to-be, gets a delicately-wrapped blender from her fiancée? Well, whether or not an engagement may be on the line, you certainly don’t want your lady love-interest in hysterics due to your alleged impersonal gift. But just as your gift can come across as “underdone,” it can most certainly also be seen as overdone. The dangers in giving too lavish a gift, particularly to someone you haven’t been seeing that long, are numerous and often irreversible.
For example, last December a client of ours (Sherri) was dating another client of ours (Ryan), and after three dates, things were going quite well. Ryan was planning an upcoming trip to Hawaii and invited Sherri to accompany him. After a week of tropical breezes, divine restaurants and relaxing nighttime walks on the beach, Sherri returned thinking that Ryan was smitten with her and that he could actually be the one. Meanwhile Ryan, slightly annoyed with Sherri’s high-maintenance ways during the trip, called us the next day ready for another match.
How much money should you spend on your honey? If you’re a play-by-the rules kind of dater, here’s my advice: determine how much to spend on a gift by how long you’ve been in a relationship/dating someone. If you’ve only been seeing someone a month or so, set a budget upfront of around $25.00. If you are someone who isn’t comfortable talking money with a new flame (which has certainly been me), get over it! IJL Seattle Senior Client Coordinator, Jillian Arbow, and her now-husband played by the gift-giving rules when first dating, and it worked wonderfully for them. After a year of dating, they both decided on a budget of $100 dollars for holiday (& birthday) gifts. Once on the road to engagement, all rules were off and they used their discretion when purchasing gifts. So don’t feel like you need to woo your crush with extravagant gifts in order to progress the relationship. A simple gesture (I’m a big fan of the good-ol’ personalized mix-CD) goes a long way.
Lesson to be learned here: don’t let your gifts do the talking for you when it comes to your feelings. If done correctly, a blender can be a much more meaningful gift than a sun-filled vacation. Make the gift to your special someone personal. A good way to do this is to give something that hints at past times together. For example, if you’ve both talked about your love for scamming recipes off the Food Network, sign the two of you up for a cooking class! If you spent an evening debating whether the rib eye at El Gaucho or Metropolitan Grill is better, take him/her on a taste test to playfully put the debate to rest. Who knows, maybe next year you will debate desserts!
Holi-Dating Etiquette #4: Home For the Holidays
Your current flame: To bring home to the family, or not to bring home? That is the question. Obviously, this is a decision that requires some thought. Will he/she feel comfortable? Will your crazy Aunt Lily be there to bring out the embarrassing baby photos? Will your sweetie be offended if you don’t invite them? There are many potential things to consider.
It’s important to remember that every relationship is different; one girl’s year-long relationship can be the equivalent of another girl’s month-long relationship. Only YOU can be the judge of how far along your relationship is. If things have progressed to the point where thoughts of the future have begun to enter your head, then by all means, invite them to meet the fam! The holidays are a time to be with family, so they will appreciate the inclusive gesture.
On the flip side, if you are still in “unknown” territory with your man/woman, you shouldn’t feel pressured to extend an invitation. If your relationship is still in that beginning “butterfly” stage, don’t fret at all about going your separate ways for the holidays. After all, it might be fun to have some funny family “war stories” to compare on your next date!
If you are flying solo this holiday, you will have a whole set of obstacles as well. You may be dreading the inevitable questions from your family—“Sandy, are you seeing anyone? When’s the last time you went out on a date? Do you think maybe you’re being too picky? When are you getting married already? All your friends are married and I can’t wait much longer for a grandchild!” So how do you deal with all this pressure? Confront it head-on. Go into your family gatherings with confidence & don’t let anything (or anyone) bring you down. If someone asks you why you’re not seeing anyone, smile and say “I just haven’t found anyone strong enough to catch me yet.” My personal favorite remedy? A rousing sing-a-long to the Pointer Sisters’ “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” in the car on the way to the relatives. Honestly, it does wonders.''
If you don’t remember anything else I’ve said here, remember this: it’s all about attitude. The holidays are a time to be joyful. So whatever this past year has had in store for your dating life, don’t dwell on it. Forget those bawl-fests and heart-crushing breakups. Forget the judgmental looks and gym sessions you missed. The only pity-party you are going to be throwing this year is one that ends with serendipity!
Until the next time I kiss & tell…
Cheers,
The Dating Diva
Marcy Waldman
*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.
Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!
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Dating Resolutions for the New Year
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