January, 2012
Dear Seattle Singles,
First off, I have to admit something; the whole New Year’s “Let’s Start Fresh” hype has actually kind of started to bug me. I mean, how many of us actually make AND keep New Year’s Resolutions? I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, but are we really more successful with our goals if we make them at the start of the calendar year? I recently looked back at my Resolutions for the past five years (because, having been a straight-A student of the digital era, I have dutifully typed them up each year), and a bizarre pattern jumped out at me—goals related to my professional development were consistently accomplished, while those dedicated to my personal and relational life reappeared on my list year after year. Now, for a married, household-breadwinner with three small children, this would make perfect sense. But for a dedicated friend, perfectionist and hopeless romantic, single gal like me, it seems counterintuitive. After speaking with dozens of clients and acquaintances this past month, I was surprised at the number of people (both men and women) who have shared similar experiences. I dedicate the following 2012 Reso-love-lutions to all of you. If 2012 is to be the apocalypse of anything, let it be the end of making excuses!
TWELVE RESO-LOVE-LUTIONS FOR 2012
1. Lose the negativity. Remember your basketball coach telling you the key to improving your game is embrace that “10% is skill, 90% is attitude?” Well, the same applies to the dating game. We’ve seen it time and time again, and recently with our client Matthew.
A tall, dark and handsome 38 year-old business executive, Matthew is the kind of guy who has women swooning over him each and every time he enters the room. He has the looks, the job AND he spends every Saturday volunteering at Children’s Hospital. So why is he still single?! Hint: Matthew never heard back from a woman he met 6 months ago, and has been a pessimistic dater ever since. Well guess what? He’s still not getting second dates with women. Not because they didn’t find him attractive or interesting, but because they felt like his therapist! So, fellas AND ladies, leave the whining at home (and also limit the “wining” on your date, if necessary!).
2. Get specific. Instead of using criteria like “Must be smart” or “Has good sense of humor,” try phrases such as “Must challenge me to think in new ways” & “Must make me laugh until I cry.” Pinpointing exactly what it is about the qualities you find most important in a romantic partner will not only help you spot them when you see them, but it will also keep you thinking about things in a fresh perspective.
3. Broaden your opportunities. Turn off the latest episode of The Bachelor, get off the couch and get out to meet new people. Sign up to receive e-mails from one of the countless daily deal sites and sign up for the Zumba offer, a zip line adventure, an art class or a wine tasting course. The deals change every day so there has to be something to peak your interest. Plus, who doesn’t love a great bargain?!
4. Date outside your type. Do you typically go for the sexy, leather-jacket clad “bad boy?” Or the red-lipstick-wearing Fashionista? Try combining circles with one of your wholesome, “girl/boy-next-door” friends. You really never know who you might connect with. Plus—and I speak from experience—sometimes it’s the all-American “plain Jane” type that ends up pleasantly surprising you.
Jake, one of our former clients and a self-proclaimed “19 year-old stuck inside the body of a 43 year-old,” had a pretty specific “type.” When it came to dating, he was a bit of an “ageist.” Jake was firm on wanting to only date women at least 5 years younger than him. However, when Luann, the gorgeous, sassy 46 year-old brunette came into our office, we just had to call Jake about her. Kicking and screaming, Jake finally agreed to meet Luann. Three hours into their date, they were comparing college stories and laughing their faces off. Three days later, they were singing their faces off at Chateau Ste. Michelle during the Doobie Brothers concert. And now one year later, they are happily engaged. So don’t be afraid to color outside the lines a bit – you never know what masterpiece may result!
5. Call in reinforcements. Don’t be afraid (or too proud) to ask for help. We do it ALL the time in our professional lives, so why are we so hard-headed when it comes to accepting advice in dating? Call me hard-headed, but don’t try to persuade me with any reasonable answer here. There really isn’t one. :)
6. Remove all things from your “ex” space. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place...your tattered Bruce Springsteen t-shirt. Try walking around each room in your house and removing anything that makes your heart ache or your stomach turn. There are probably things pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition, so be sure to look carefully!
7. Don’t give up after a first date. What if someone didn’t give you a second chance after the sideways Seattle rain gave you and your mascara an accidental gothic look for your first date? If you’re on the fence about seeing someone a second time, go for it! After all, how much can we really get to know about someone on a first date? Odds are that you’re probably on the fence for a somewhat trivial reason. So stop and ask yourself a very important question (perhaps the most important question when it comes to dating) – what do you have to lose!
8. Take (educated) risks. Here’s the scenario: you’re out with some friends for happy hour at Daniel’s Broiler. Suddenly, an attractive person walks by and catches your eye on their way to the bar. Instead of just looking away and brushing it aside, make a move! Get up, walk over and introduce yourself to them (just make sure to look for the ring first J). You never know where it could lead, so don’t leave yourself wondering.
9. Slow down. Dating is supposed to be fun, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Setting a timeline for dating, exclusivity, marriage, etc. (especially before you’ve even met the person!) is just setting yourself up for failure. I’m not saying don’t have a mental timeline of your ideal scenario, but don’t let it manifest any further than just that. Take it one day, one date, at a time.
10. Stop Feeling Guilty About Dating. You compete with your ex for time with your kids. Your mother doesn’t always remember each time you visit her in the nursing home. These are undoubtedly serious issues that many of us have to deal with. That said, so is finding “the one.” Make yourself a priority this year; the other people in your life will be better off because of it.
11. Re-route your routine. Yes, you may adore the Chicken Chow Mein from China Palace, but if you take the same stroll down the street to pick it up every Friday, how can you expect to change your luck? A wise fortune cookie once said: Life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.
12. Change something…anything! I’m not talking anything major, but if there’s an edgy new haircut or pair of glasses you’ve been thinking about getting, go for it! Just one rule: make sure to pick something uniquely you.
This past fall, 51 year-old Peter started our Dating Boot Camp and decided he was ready for a new “sexy” look. Already an athletically-built, well-dressed guy, he didn’t want to do anything too dramatic. So we started with his hair; he had been dying it a muted brown color for YEARS. After a little convincing from our expert image consultant, Peter decided to strip his hair back to its natural gray. What a silver fox he turned into! Now we enjoy weekly phone calls from him telling us how tired his hand is from signing so many autographs as “George Clooney.”
Whatever 2011 held for you, the past is the past. And next year will be here before you know it. So this year, resolve to live in the moment, control the things you can control, celebrate every victory (no matter how small) and learn from every defeat. It really is as simple as that. No one’s perfect, and your dates won’t expect you to be. So have a sense of humor about your imperfections and vow to approach your love life as an adventure. A good attitude is always attractive and never gets old.
Until the next time I kiss & tell…
Cheers,
The Seattle Dating Diva
Marcy Waldman
You know, the man of my dreams might walk round the corner tomorrow. I'm older and wiser and I think I'd make a great girlfriend. I live in the realm of romantic possibility.
- Stevie Nicks
*Names above have been changed to protect client confidentiality.
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